A Principal Secretary’s office in the Secretariat in any State in India. Around six in the evening just after office hours.
As Lights Come On:
YOGESH NARAIN, the Principal Secretary is bent over a pile of files as his Section Officer, NEELAKANTAN enters.
Yogesh
Ah, Neelkant! I am so glad you were able to come. I have something very important to discuss with you outside of the usual clutter of office hours. Our thoughts should not be disturbed! Here, I know you like cigars, have one. My batch-mate, the ambassador in Cuba, sent me some Havanas.
[They light up and
puff away with pleasure]
Yogesh
Lucky bugger, he gets to drive a Mercedes as an ambassador, while I have to pig it in a Toyota. They should at least give me a BMW. Maybe I'll take the government to court for discriminatory practice, what do you say?
Neelakantan
Why not, Sir? The Solicitor General may even help your case on the quiet. If you win, he might be entitled to a Bentley.
Yogesh
Good Lord, I hadn't thought of that! They may all really help me win. Anyway, I called you, Neelkant, to help me with a matter almost as important. The Government of India has asked me - not this State government, they know nothing about it - as I said, Delhi has entrusted me with a very important task. I must work out the details of a new Ministry, Neelkant! Most probably I'll be asked to get it going in the first few years - developing this initiative, the PM said, was vital for the survival of the government! If I go to Delhi, you are coming with me as Deputy Secretary! Promotion would be well merited - I shall insist.
Neelakantan
[expertly flicking ash
into a tray on the desk]
Sir! Always willing to serve you and the Nation!
Yogesh
The problem is it will create a heavy drain on the government's resources, which we can't afford. PM warned me about that. Let me start at the beginning. We - hear that, Neelkant! - we, are to set up the Disabled Ministry! It will win votes, shut the mouths of extremists and academics - you know the gutter inspectors brigade. And we must make sure at the same time not to annoy the Americans, this is my big concern, by showing too much liberality. My fear - and I may say, the PM's fear is that every loafing man jack will turn up saying he is disabled, and in need of a subsidy. Somehow we must prevent the disabled from coming in droves, and benefiting at government cost, how do we manage that, Neelkant?
Neelakantan
[laughs quietly]
We ask the PM to move the Disabled Services Act in parliament! Every party will smell something in it for themselves. It will take a few years before it becomes Law. That will give us some time to organize the Ministry with a full complement of staff, and special task forces in every state.
Yogesh
Brilliant! But still that only buys a little time, Neelkant, doesn't solve the key issue of how we can develop a full-fledged Ministry - perhaps the key development Ministry for the future - without it giving away money or benefits to all and sundry. I am afraid the burden upon us will be terrific.
Neelakantan
[unperturbed]
Once the Disabled Services Act has been passed, we can set up a Commission to study its proper implementation.
Yogesh
OK, that wins us three more years respite, I grant you. What then, Neelkant, that's my worry!
Neelakantan
[laughs openly]
Sir, only those identified by the Commission as coming under the purview of the Act can benefit. If I am on the Commission, I will disqualify anyone who can come to any of our offices, or even pen an appeal to us, as 'Not Disabled.' For instance, if he were really 'Disabled,' how can he come to our office, or appeal? The very fact that he is 'able to' appeal disqualifies him by definition from being 'Disabled!'
Yogesh
[anxiously]
But these civil society busybodies - these gutter inspectors, as I call them - they will reel off Public Interest Litigations in every court!
Neelakantan
[with calm majesty]
Let them, Sir, let them! It will only delay matters for them. The courts will not go against the meaning of the Act nor the advice of the Special Commission.
Yogesh
[almost convinced]
I think you are right, Neelkant, yes, I think so. But at the same time, we must be seen to do something. Remember, the government will see us as the leading development initiative!
Neelakantan
[thumping the table]
Yes, Sir! We will be doing something, we will do a lot! Once we have completed identification of the 'really disabled' that is, those who are immobile at home or at one location, we from the Ministry will reach out to them with 'Services.' We will start by giving them a bowl of rice everyday!
Yogesh
Good, very good! That will win votes, and shut the mouths of the gutter inspectors, as I call them. and strict control will please the Americans. But you know. totally incapacitated people. there must be quite a lot of them in a huge country like ours. especially among the poor!
Neelakantan
Sir, many will die before the survey is completed!
Yogesh
True, true, but many will survive, too many, you know. and think of all the cost of procuring the rice and supplying??
Neelakantan
[thumping the table]
The Ministry must be huge in the National Interest - and you should be of Cabinet Secretary level, naturally. But costs can be reduced by making various religious bodies like ashrams and temples responsible for the feeding. It will be acceptable to all since they have expertise - the World Bank will approve.
Yogesh
Acceptable to all, did you say? What about Christian disabled, or, or Muslims? They will kick up a fuss if a Hindu temple gives them food!
NEELAKANTAN
We are a secular country, Sir, religion should not be brought into development activity. Also. heh, heh, the Americans will approve this twist.
Yogesh
[cheering up at the
word 'Americans']
That's true. I think you have got it! Good! Now we can proceed. But tell me, there will still be costs involved, especially of the establishment of the Ministry. how do we handle that?
Neelakantan
The temples will naturally ask the beneficiaries to give a donation for charity. We can work out a 'special development levy' to be charged on temples and recover some costs.
Yogesh
You have forgotten something crucial, Neelkant! You have forgotten that rice always costs money!
Neelakantan
No, Sir! I have not forgotten! We can work out a special Income Tax Exemption Clause for Rice Millers undertaking development activities. They will come running to make supplies. But we will empanel only a few after due process!
Yogesh
[bemused]
Why, Neelkant, why? If this works, more the merrier I should think?
Neelakantan
[smiling confidentially]
Just think, Sir! Empanelment will take place only after approval by the Minister! That is likely to happen only - and only if - the miller can assure votes in his region. Two birds with one stone, Sir!
Yogesh
[in admiration]
Two birds, did you say? You have got the whole bloody aviary if you ask me!
[ The Power Secretary Ram Singh puts his head
In through the door]
Ram Singh
Yogi! Thought I would catch you here, plotting as usual! I would love a cigar, may I?
[lights up one]
Yogi! I am in the devil of a fix! The government wants me to cut back on power supplies to all sectors - frankly with rising administrative costs, we cannot honestly afford to supply one unit of electricity to anyone - at the same time I am instructed not to offend anyone! How can I do that, Yogi, especially as Elections are coming up?
Yogesh
My dear Goat, let's put the problem to Neelkant, he's the 'Jeeves' in my department. I bet he can solve it in a jiffy.
Neelakantan
[thoughtfully]
The most vociferous are middle-class urban domestic users - we must silence them first. Sir, there is always a trade-off between supply to the urban domestic sector and the agriculture sector.
[making up his mind]
Sir! We will have a revolution!
[Both Secretaries jump
out of their chairs] Ram Singh and Yogesh
What!
Neelakantan
Yes, Sir, a Revolution controlled by both of you! Farmers, particularly low-caste farmers can be informed that their lands are dying because rich urban Brahmin householders are guzzling power. A March to the City can be organized, and we can suggest to the marchers that they establish vigilante groups to see that no lights are switched on in the city!
Ram Singh
Brilliant! But farmers will start guzzling power with their pumpsets. My task is to cut back power, not re-channel it.
Neelakantan
No problem, Sir! Farms are widely distributed in rural areas. Because of the disturbed conditions in the City, the Police will declare Section 144 operative - this will keep the Press and News Media away - then Police and Army can be widely deployed to see that no pumps are switched on anywhere.
Ram Singh
There will be violence, mark my words.
Neelakantan
[with one of his
rare smiles]
Yes, Sir! The Police are quite expert at that. A lot more people will be rendered 'disabled' enabling our new Ministry to be at the forefront of development.
Yogesh
I told you, he is a genius.
Ram Singh
What about the business sector? Have you a scheme for them as well?
Neelakantan
Certainly, Sir! They are to stop all operations!
Neelakantan
No, Sir, just practical. Government will give them a ten-year tax holiday to enable them to shift their operations to the newly designed Special Facilities Zone. All the power saved can be exported to this Zone. Everyone of note is already shifting residence to this zone, Sir, surrounded as it is with golf courses. The money earned by the export of power will used to build a Continuous Flyover round the City, which can be used for Formula One racing round the year. Ferraris will be whizzing over our heads all the time!
Yogesh
You think government will approve that scheme?
Neelakantan
Of course, Sir! There is pressure from the sons of Ministers to do so - you see, Sir, the organizers have promised to gift them Ferrari racing cars if approval is received!
Ram Singh and Yogesh
Good Lord! We also better move to the Special Facilities Zone.
Neelakantan
If you will take my advice, Sir, do so immediately. Soon, we may all require passports to visit it. There is an idea to cede the territory to the US government on a 99-year lease.
Ram Singh and Yogesh
Surely, parliament will not permit that?
Neelakantan
[calmly, getting up
to leave]
There is historical precedent, Sir. I believe the Mughal Emperor authorized the East India Company to establish similar enclaves at Surat, and Madras.
[ All three join hands and
jump around in a circle]
